dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just invented taco cereal.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
