I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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