Whod you bang
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Vodka?
Forever.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
