Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
