yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
