Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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