I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm jealous of your bromance
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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