Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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