The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
