my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
