I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
