Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
