My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
