Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
