took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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