There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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