I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How does it feel to date your dad?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
