The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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