Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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