Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i dont even know how to be here
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
