had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
