Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize