i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
