she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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