I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
