You're a womanizer and a bitch.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
