I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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