Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize