Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
