just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
