??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
