Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
two words...techno handjob
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
