This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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