conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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