and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize