Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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