why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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