he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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