Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
