guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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