I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
