maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
