Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Rumble strips road head = magical
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize