The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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