he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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