So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
