he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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