I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the day after is always just damage control
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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