How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
