You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
