That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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