so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
