I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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