YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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