Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
