I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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