They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
