My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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