I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He has the fingertips of a God
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
