My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
