god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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