I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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