God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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