My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We're hate flirting, damnit.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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