i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so let's talk penis.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
