The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize